I am an angry, frustrated mess today.
I went to bed angry last night. And I managed to stay pissed off all freakin’ day.
I called Geoff last night. He didn’t answer. It made me mad. Add salt to the wound. He brought it up at work today. Why didn’t you answer, I ask? It may have been important! “I do have a girlfriend ya know! I’m in a relationship” WHAT THE FUCK! AND DOUBLE WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING. He almost NEVER brought up the g/f. In fact I think prior to the past week or two, I think I could count on, oh yea, two fingers, the number of times he mentioned her. I don’t even fucking know her name. Honest to God. That’s how little he has talked about her in my presence. I thought he did it out of some conscious effort. I worked with him for MONTHS before I even found out he had a g/f. Now, he brings it up in the most meanest way. Like to drive a dagger in me! Like, DUH ELA! I can’t talk to you! I have a g/f. WHATEVER! I thought we were friends. Bullshit! We’re not friends. We’re not even enemies. We are nothing. You tolerate me. You said it yourself, “it’s easier to be nice.” It IS easier to be nice! How could you possibly tell me what you really think of me, then have to sit next to me for the next six months! You couldn’t! We’re not friends. You talk about being “open and honest.” Bullshit. It’s all a game. It’s all about biding time. If you were looking for a way to send me a message, it was received. It was received loud and clear. Oh my God, I’m such a fool! You even referred to me as one of your “best friends!” How could I have been so stupid. Friends don’t pick and choose. Friends are ALWAYS honest, and always there, day and night. Friends don’t feed friends bullshit sentiments just to make things comfortable. Friends don’t play games. Just stop! Stop the ride, I want to get off. I want to get off now before I get in any deeper. While there is still a chance I can walk away with a sliver of my dignity.
This sucks. It sucks because we had a really great day today and I can’t even enjoy the success with you. Yes, I took a dive off the cliff with you. And it was great. Hell, I would dive off the cliff for you! In place of you. But you wouldn’t do the same. It is sick, and twisted. I am. You are not responsible for my happiness, yet somehow, my happiness seems directly influenced by all-things Geoff related.
– J. Ela