Conflict or Clarity

I thought when I started Ela it would be therapeutic. Now, less than two weeks in, I’m finding myself more conflicted than clear. Don’t get me wrong, I love to write. Even when I’m not writing, I’m writing. The words are constantly flowing. I can’t seem to shut off my brain, ever.

dear diary

My affinity for writing down my thoughts developed when I was a teenager. I kept a diary for a full six years, from sixth grade through my senior year. I still have them tucked away in my hope chest. I couldn’t go to sleep at night without unloading the days thoughts on my diary. I would write and write. And when I ran out of room on the page, I took out a sheet of notebook paper and continued pouring out my thoughts there. I don’t think I would have survived my teenage years if it had not been for my ability to get those thoughts out of my head. I probably didn’t realize it at the time, but it was therapeutic.

Next month will mark the four-year anniversary since my best friend Jo died. She was my outlet for everything. She replaced my need to regurgitate everything over and over in my head, or scribble it down in a journal. I told Jo everything. EVERYTHING. There isn’t a secret Jo didn’t know about me. And vice-versa. There was never anyone in my life like Jo. Before, or since. She helped me talk through conflict and find clarity. I miss having someone like that in my life.

I started Ela, really, with the sole purpose of talking through my conflict over Geoff, and finding some kind of clarity. At first, it seemed Geoff got a kick out of being the “star” of my blog. Now, not so much. He has even so much as said he’s afraid to say something out of fear it will end up on the blog. I wonder if Ela isn’t driving a wedge between Geoff and I. Because that is the last thing I hoped to accomplish. I am coward and I’ve used Ela to say things I would probably otherwise not be able to say, or admit.

I’m going to keep writing. For now. Until the conflict is resolved and I find the clarity I need.

– J. Ela


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