I Choose Freedom

I love Fridays.

Generally speaking Fridays are my favorite day of the week.

Which is odd, considering most of my Fridays are sans-Geoff. And it would seem that, at least as of late, my life revolves around him. Wake-up in the morning, think about Geoff. Go to work, think of Geoff. Come home, think of Geoff. Go to bed, definitely think of Geoff. How one person can fill so many thoughts is, well, it’s simply pathetic.

Today was a great day. Today was a day for rising above the challenge. In my personal life. Today, I chose freedom. Today, I filed for divorce. Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re either thinking, “what’s the big deal, people do it everyday!” or “what took so long!” I’m leaning toward the latter. It’s been nearly four-years since my stbxh (soon-to-be-ex-husband) and I split-up. So yes, it is about time! In fact, it’s way past time! Why did it take me so long? To be honest, (and that is the point of Ela) I have dreaded filing for divorce. Not because I hold on to some hope that my marriage will be restored. That ship has long since sailed. I dread it because I’m not looking forward to the potential warfare that could follow. I mean, there is a reason we aren’t together anymore, and it isn’t because he treated me like a queen! He most certainly did not! But, I’ve come to realize, I’m going to have to face a little “discomfort” before I can truly be comfortable again. I’ve prepared for this day for a long time now. But as I’ve learned, no amount of preparation can ready you for some of what life has to throw at you. I wondered how I would actually react when the time came. And, I have to tell you, I surprised even myself. I fully expected to be a weeping, messy puddle. I wasn’t! I left the courthouse with the biggest smile on my face! I was re-energized, even. And even if I’m not prepared for what comes next, I’m ready. Bring. It. On.

A couple of years ago my friend Judy offered me some unsolicited advice. She told me I NEEDED to get this divorce over with. She told me that no man’s heart would be open to receive my love until my own heart was open to receive love, and that my heart couldn’t be open to receive the love of another as long as I am “bound.” I hope she was right! I want nothing more than my heart to give and to receive the love that it desires.

-J. Ela


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