Finally, the end of a long and painful week.
I’ve been tucked away in a dark cocoon for the past three days doing battle with a migraine. If you’ve never had a migraine, chances are you don’t have much sympathy for those of us who do. A migraine is NOT the same thing as a headache. If you’re lucky, a migraine can be staved off early with proper medication. If you’re unlucky, like I was in this case, nothing will ease the pain. That’s when I know I’m better off seeking refuge in the cool, dark, comfort of my bedroom to wait it out.
Waiting it out means lying there hour after hour with nothing but my thoughts to consume me. Actually, it was probably too much thinking that got me into this situation in the first place. I have a hard time turning my brain off at night. Insomnia. It’s a curse. Two nights I went without sleep. I need my sleep. When I don’t sleep, guess what I do? I lay there, hour after hour with nothing but my thoughts to consumer me. Watching the hours on the clock.. tick tock.. tick tock. It’s so infuriating. If I fall asleep right now I can still get six hours of sleep. If I fall asleep right now I can still get four hours of sleep. If I fall asleep right now.. oh fuck it! I’m not going to get any sleep tonight. And so it begins. A vicious cycle.
So what set off this particular chain of events? I couldn’t say for sure. I do have a lot on my mind these days.
One thing that is troubling me as of late: trust.
Holding people at arm’s length.
I have issues with trust, no doubt about it. I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust other people.
I wasn’t always this way. I used to give my trust freely, until someone gave me a reason to take it away. Maybe that was naive? I don’t know. Should trust be given, or earned? I gave my trust away to someone who ended up hurting me, badly. When that happened I started questioning my own intuition. I became distrustful of not only myself, but of everyone else.
It is hard to go through life holding people at arm’s length.
It’s not fair for the entire world to have to pay for the mistakes of one person. Actually, it’s unfair to me, too. I made a mistake. I gave my trust to the wrong person. He hurt me. That relationship is over now. Should I spend the rest of my days comparing everyone to him?
Expect nothing, get nothing!
That’s what this was all about anyway, right? About opening up. About being honest. About trusting myself. And more importantly, trusting someone else with my feelings.
If you don’t take care of those feelings, if you don’t treasure the gift that has been given to you, it will gone. Before you know it, it will be gone, for good. Being entrusted with someone elses feelings is a tremendous gift. It requires responsibility. Not to be taken lightly. If you don’t want it, don’t take it.
I am a racecar.
I can go from zero to a hundred in a matter of seconds.
I am the kind, loving, nurturer. In an instant, I am the ferocious mother bear, protecting her cub.
A defense mechanism? Perhaps.
An occupational hazard. Perhaps also.
I have passion that is immeasurable. It’s a passion that drives me to want to succeed, no matter the challenge. It’s a passion that spurs me on when everything else inside me says, surrender! It’s that passion that causes me to pour 100% of my heart and soul into everything I do. It’s that passion that causes me to fall hard and to fall fast with nothing to cushion the blow.
You don’t know me. You don’t owe me. A year from now I will look back on this time and realize how little it mattered. How little you mattered.
That’s a lie. It matters. You matter. It all matters.
And those are my thoughts, after a long, painful week. (Thanks for checking in!)
– J. Ela