Identity Crisis

Somewhere in between feeling sorry for myself, popping pills and consuming too much alcohol, I found time to run-off at the mouth. Okay, so that in-and-of-itself isn’t that unusual. It’s what I blabbed about, that is.

I’m a pretty good secret-keeper. Especially when it’s my own secret. I’ve managed to keep “Ela” quiet for nearly three months now. But, under the proper influence, I’ll apparently tell-all! Thank you Geoff! Yes, I’m blaming you! At least in part. During a moment of weakness Friday night I let loose with details about the blog.

Busted! Geoff apprised me today that “Ela” is now being perused and quite possibly bookmarked now by some of our friends, and colleagues. Horrifying! That’s the only word I can think of to describe the way I feel.

I love “Ela!” I love coming here to divulge my deepest, darkest secrets. But above all, I love the anonymity that goes with it. Call me a coward, but Ela has confessed that which “I” would never be capable. At times I’ve been bothered knowing that Geoff was lurking about. At other times I knew I could use that to my advantage, communicating things to him through “Ela” that “I” would never be able to say.

Now, I’m suffering an identity crisis. The crisis is two-fold. Not only do I still not know who the hell “I” am. Now the identity of “Ela” has been compromised before I could figure that out. I want, more than anything, to discover myself, again. Writing and reflection seemed like a viable avenue for doing just that.

Now what am I going to do? “Ela” died today.

– J. Ela

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