I’ve just returned home from a fun-filled weekend with my family. (insert sarcasm here) I only made the drive up to see them because it is father’s day and at age 80, who knows how many father’s days I have left with my dad. I don’t mean to sound crass… but let’s be honest. He’s not in the best health. To put it in perspective, we had our father’s day “celebration” in his bedroom and he never even got out of bed. So sad. Not much of a celebration.
Which was fine by me, because I don’t feel much like celebrating. Do you have any idea how hard it is to fake it in front of your family, your kids? Pretending like everything is A-Okay. When, it’s not. In fact, far from it. I hate having to be strong for them. I hate pretending. I hate talking about tomorrow, when I don’t even know if tomorrow will come. I hate that I promised my kids I would always be there for them.
Life is too hard. Living, is too hard. And no longer worth the trouble. There has to be a balance of sacrifice and reward. When sacrifice long outweighs reward… what’s the point? A person can’t keep going and going under piles and piles of shit. We all have our breaking point. Some reach theirs quicker than others. Some, never reach it. Some are weak. Some are strong. Some make it over life’s hurdles and enjoy smooth sailing. I’m running in a circle. And the hurdles keep coming. Where is my straightaway? I get up and go to work, do my part to contribute to society, in a positive way. Why then, does society continue to deliver me a shit-sandwich. Time and time again.
I could end all of this. I want to. I have wanted it before. Bad enough to do it. An angel saved me. There is no angel to save me this time. The saving, is in the ending. The letting go of this shitty life, and the embracing of the next. I am at a crossroads. The intersection of “faith and fuck you.”
– J. Ela