Master Bate!

It has occurred to me, as of late, that I am probably going to spend the rest of my life alone. Single. Which is too bad, because I love men. And I love sex!


The last time I went out on a date was 1996! You do the math! Back then it was easy! I was thin, attractive. Even as a single mom, I could get a date. I would go to the supermarket for a gallon of milk. Come out with the milk, and a date. Once, a guy called me, trying to sell me tickets to a fundraiser. I didn’t buy the tickets to the fundraiser. But, we ended up going out on a date! (Worst date ever, btw) But still. You get the point!

The thought of going out on a date now… Utterly horrifying! The thought of going without sex the rest of my life…. equally horrifying!

The closest thing I’ve had to sex… A visit to the gyn-o… And that wasn’t even a male doctor, so I didn’t get the full effect!

I could go the route my sister took… Soliciting “dates” with strangers on Craigslist! Ew! Gross! Or, I could learn the art of, well, taking care of it on my own. I haven’t a clue where to start. I have never stepped foot in an “adult” store before! And again, the thought of doing so, utterly horrifying!

**i know if any of my friends are reading this, they must surely be dying by now!

In all of my sexcapades.. I have never experienced the big “O”. My partners were all too young, or too selfish… Or both! And when it comes to “knowing” my own body… I feel like Natalie Portman in that scene from Black Swan.

How do women do it?

Guys have it so easy!

– J. Ela


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