Penance

Do you ever get the feeling the best thing that’s ever going to happen to you, already did?

I’ve done some really stupid things in my life. I mean, really dumb things! I’ve never been arrested or been to jail. I’ve never done drugs or had a back ally abortion. But I’ve made some awful choices that affected not only my life, but the lives of the people I love. And I suffered. I suffered dearly. I also paid my penance. And then some. For the longest time I thought my suffering was punishment, from God, for my bad choices. Then, I realized, it wasn’t punishment, as much as it was the result of my bad choices.

So I made better choices. But the suffering didn’t stop.

Then I realized, I live everyday as if life is a fairy tale. Thinking my better choices will lead me out of my suffering. To my happily ever after. Delusional! I had my chance. And I blew it. My happily ever after came and went. We get one chance at true love. I had mine. I blew it. I’ll spend the rest of my life suffering for it.

When I was 17, I met my high school sweetheart. When I laid eyes on Will for the very first time, I said, “Some day, I’m going to marry him!” And I did! That, is the power of true love. I fell in love with him almost immediately. And our love was intense!

What led to our downfall? I wish I knew. I was unfaithful. And the man that followed; I did not love him. I did not even like him. The cycle of punishment began with him. And the one that followed; he ended up not only stealing more than a decade of my life, but he stole my soul! The punishment continues.

I fight everyday to believe there is still something worth living for. Deluding myself with dreams of true love. Dreams of a happily ever after. Dreams of a fairy tale.

The Fairy Tale Must Die

The Fairy Tale Must Die

There is no true love. No happily ever after. No fairy tale. Not for me. For me there is only suffering. Because that is exactly what I deserve. To suffer.

– J. Ela

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