Do you ever get the feeling the best thing that’s ever going to happen to you, already did?
I’ve done some really stupid things in my life. I mean, really dumb things! I’ve never been arrested or been to jail. I’ve never done drugs or had a back ally abortion. But I’ve made some awful choices that affected not only my life, but the lives of the people I love. And I suffered. I suffered dearly. I also paid my penance. And then some. For the longest time I thought my suffering was punishment, from God, for my bad choices. Then, I realized, it wasn’t punishment, as much as it was the result of my bad choices.
So I made better choices. But the suffering didn’t stop.
Then I realized, I live everyday as if life is a fairy tale. Thinking my better choices will lead me out of my suffering. To my happily ever after. Delusional! I had my chance. And I blew it. My happily ever after came and went. We get one chance at true love. I had mine. I blew it. I’ll spend the rest of my life suffering for it.
When I was 17, I met my high school sweetheart. When I laid eyes on Will for the very first time, I said, “Some day, I’m going to marry him!” And I did! That, is the power of true love. I fell in love with him almost immediately. And our love was intense!
What led to our downfall? I wish I knew. I was unfaithful. And the man that followed; I did not love him. I did not even like him. The cycle of punishment began with him. And the one that followed; he ended up not only stealing more than a decade of my life, but he stole my soul! The punishment continues.
I fight everyday to believe there is still something worth living for. Deluding myself with dreams of true love. Dreams of a happily ever after. Dreams of a fairy tale.
There is no true love. No happily ever after. No fairy tale. Not for me. For me there is only suffering. Because that is exactly what I deserve. To suffer.
– J. Ela