Inside, I’m dying


I can hardly fault anyone for being deceitful and lying. As it turns out, I am one of the biggest liars I know. Remarkably, I managed to make it through the entire day without letting on that secretly, inside, I’m dying. I smiled, laughed. Made nice with coworkers. Actually pulled off a pretty good newscast. All the while, on the inside, I’m suffering. Praying the day will just be over. That it will end. And I can mark it down… day one. Starting over.

If it’s possible, and it is, I can safely say, I’ve touched on every stage of the grieving process in less than 24 hours. Grief is not only of loss of life. A breakup is also a kind of death. Yes, I know, mine isn’t a “breakup” in the traditional meaning. But it is still the loss of a relationship. A tragic loss. Of a relationship that meant a great deal more to me than the other party.

In one day I’ve felt denial.. anger…bargaining…depression…acceptance… Circling back to the beginning… Starting over… Jumping ahead… Hovering mostly around depression.

I read that the end of a relationship is like experiencing a death. Even if it was your idea to call the whole thing off.. Believing it’s what’s best for everyone.

Denial – The heart wants what the heart wants.

Anger – How did I let this happen? Why does God hate me?

Bargaining – Maybe things will change!?

Depression – On the verge of tears… like every second of the day.

Acceptance – Peace. It is what it is.

I’m feeling/thinking a lot of other things too. Like, I want to scream and yell at the person that made me feel this way. Then, I think, that’s not really taking ownership of my feelings. And they are mine. I’m angry, thinking someone else had a laugh at my expense. Poor pitiful Ela. I’m upset that I live life waiting for the other shoe to drop… and then when it does, I react like I’m surprised it did! I’m angry that I escaped the bubble that is my life just long enough to end up getting my feelings hurt, again.

– J. Ela


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