You know those things that only happen in the movies? Or to “other” people’s kids? It turns out, I’m “other” people. Two days ago I found out that my beautiful teenage daughter has been “cutting” herself!
I’m beside myself in grief! Thinking that my K-, who always seemed so “together” was NOT! Her best friend outed her. And it seems it may have been going on for years! YEARS!!! The only thing I know for sure is it happened during Christmas break while she was visiting her dad.
I have cried buckets of tears over this. I don’t know what to do. I’m going back and forth from blaming myself.. blaming her dad.. blaming HER! Since being confronted with this new found information she has flat out shut down. Will not talk about it. PERIOD! I’m calling about counseling first thing Monday morning!
I’m so mad. I want to shake her and scream at her and ask her how she could be so stupid! I want to hold her and cry with her and tell her how much I love her and beg her never to do it again. And yet, I’m frozen! I can’t do anything!
How is it that when I am just now getting my footing and finding my happiness, my teenager can be so utterly miserable she is brought to self-harm!
She said to me yesterday, “Now you’re the one with the crazy daughter!” As if it’s a point of pride?! And yet begged me not to tell her grandfather. Which would indeed point to shame and guilt on her part.
I am quite unclear about how to move forward from this. I feel as though the rug was literally pulled out from underneath me. I’ve had the wind knocked out of me. And every other pathetic cliche!
We all have our battles. I know this.
– J. Ela