By this time tomorrow K- will have had her first session with the counselor. I don’t know who is dreading it more, me or her. She is resigned to going, but has said she doesn’t “need” to go. To which I responded, “but you needed to cut yourself?” K- says, “how about I just don’t do either one?” I wish I trusted that she wouldn’t cut herself again. But I don’t. Perhaps, if she would just open up, even a little, about WHY she did it. What set her off? And if she can’t answer that question, then counseling is definitely in order.
I know every teenager, at some point, hates their parents. But I’m not prepared for K- to walk into counseling and throw me under the bus. Now, if she were to throw her deviant father in front of the bus, I’d be standing on the curb, cheering! But I can’t bare the thought of being lumped in with him. He was, and still is, a cruel, insensitive bastard. I am not like him, at all. I hope K- doesn’t see me as being like him. I hope that when she’s digging into her past with the counselor she’s able to differentiate between the things her father did to her, and the things I did for her.
Most of all, I hope she will dig, and dig deep. And figure out what caused her to harm herself. If she can figure out what it is, we can deal with it, whatever it is.
– J. Ela