One year… two-hundred and something blog posts later.. Ela is celebrating her first birthday!
It’s crazy, when I think about where I was one year ago, compared to where I am today. Not just in the physical sense. The distinction there is quite obvious. I’m thinking more along the lines of goals and aspirations. Things I set out to do. Some I did. Some I did not. And while a part of move has indeed moved forward, there is a part of me still very much stuck in the past. I find myself still staring at that list of things-to-do, looking eerily familiar, and it feels like I’m exactly where I was 365 days ago. And yet, I’m definitely not.
Ela was born out of crisis, really. Not an actual emergency. More of a catastrophe of the mind and body. You see, my head was telling me one thing. My heart, another. What my heart has to say are the kinds of things that make life worth living. My head, on the other hand, what it says, keeps me up at night. I needed a place to sort those thoughts out. Someone to talk things over with. Ela.
It’s much easier now, to look back, and realize what needed to be done. In the earlier days I wrote about the sting of pain from the dagger that had been driven in my back, from a so-called “friend.” I wanted to get off the ride then, but stayed. Then again, Ela reads as though it were written by a “bi-polar” off their meds. On, then off. Up one minute, then down the next. Who could possibly be expected to keep up? I digress. I stayed. I wanted to go. But I stayed.
A friend recently suggested that I am attracted to men with big egos. Which made me chuckle. Considering I’ve only known her for about six months. And she knows very little about my past. I’d say, she’s probably spot on. Now the question becomes, why? Why would I continue in a relationship, friendship, or otherwise, where I will always be the ego-booster. The one to call when one wants to be made to feel better. Never first. Always second. (or third, or fourth..)
Right now I’m making my way through C.S. Lewis’ The Four Loves in which he describes friendship as “unnecessary, like philosophy, like art, like the universe itself (for God did not need to create). It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”
So, I stayed. Because the friendship was.. is.. valuable. And yet I am always looking over my shoulder. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Always waiting. Waiting and waiting. Trusting no one. Not even myself. Never strong enough to walk away. Never strong enough to say what I really think. Hiding behind Ela. She is likely as real as I’ll ever be. The closest thing to the real me, is Ela.
– J. Ela