Oh Monday! Monday.. Monday…
It seems like my Mondays are getting worse and worse. If I could figure out a way to avoid having another Monday, I think I would. Because it seems like every Monday just brings more rotten news. And today was no different. Today was definitely a “no good, very bad day.”
I’m angry because I came to this place, not just because I needed a fresh start, but I was looking for a place to start fresh. And yet, it seems, that little black rain cloud has managed to find me, even here. Which, leads me to believe, the problem, the common denominator, is me. Why bother chasing happiness? Why bother chasing dreams? Why bother doing damn much of anything? That little black rain cloud is firmly attached to my hip. And doesn’t appear to have any intentions of leaving.
I’ve always thought of myself as someone who is basically “good.” I have made some “bad” choices, but then again, who hasn’t. I’ve paid for my bad choices, a lot more, and far longer than anyone should have to. I know people who committed murder who served less time in prison. Well, that’s not to say I “know” them.. I mean, I know of cases where people committed murder, spent a few years in jail, paid for their “sins” and are free today. My misdeeds… no, I won’t even call them that.. because they weren’t… they really were just bad choices… But they haunt me like the Ghost of Christmas Past.
When will the real perpetrators of crime pay? When will they pay for their misdeeds. Actual, misdeeds. Not bad choices. Wrongdoings. When will they be punished? I want to be around to see it when it happens. And that is not a good feeling.
Yea, I’m pretty angry tonight. But, still, probably not as angry as the wife of the police officer who laid down and died in the line of duty today. However bad my day was… hers was much worse. However “sorry” I’m feeling for myself.. it’s nothing compared to the very real sorrow she’s feeling, and rightfully so.
You wake up in the morning.. maybe you have plans for the day.. maybe you don’t. You just go about your business, living. And in an instant, it changes. The whole world changes. It changes for you. For every one around you. For everyone who ever cared about you. It changes for your community.
Did you tell the important people in your life, “I love you” today before you walked out the door? Do they know you do? Is there any doubt? At all? Are there any words left unsaid, that if you died tomorrow, one or both of you would regret, not having said them?
And conversely, do you break ties with the toxic people in your life? The ones weighing you down. The bad choices. Do you strike out on your own… chasing after happiness… chasing those dreams… trying hard to cut-ties with that rain cloud.
If you took every emotion, poured it in a pot, and served it up for dinner… then, maybe you could have a little taste of what I’m feeling right now. Just so very conflicted. Wondering where in the hell it all went wrong! Knowing I can’t possible go back and “un-do” it! Life just does not work that way. But, my God… at the very least.. can I move forward!? And get out from underneath this fucking rain cloud!
See, here’s the deal.. I don’t expect life to be perfect. I just expect some of it to be good. And if some of it happens it be good, at the same time, even better. But when life is all shitty, all at the same time.. no.. no.. no… I’m not having that. I don’t want to rich.. I just want a job I love. I don’t want to marry Ryan Gosling.. I just want a man who is good to me. One who makes me laugh and makes me feel special. One who will hold me when I cry and wipe away the tears. A man who will celebrate successes with me: mine and his.
Right now, I just want this no good, very bad day to be over….. and it is.
– J. Ela